FOOD

So, I can't seem to stop myself from overeating. It's very upsetting. I will do well for a week or so, and then fall off the wagon. Accept instead of fall, I full on jump off, then find myself tumbling down a ravine which I am sure to never emerge from. It's all so very frustrating. I find myself sneaking food. I am eating dinner before eating dinner. With a wedding coming up you would assume that would be motivation enough to stick to a diet plan. But no. I just keep eating and sabotaging my own efforts. Tomorrow is always the day I am going to get back on the wagon, but around 3:30ish I am famished and the things I want most in the world are french fries. Work is no help either. We always have drug reps bringing in some goodie or another. Today we had lunch brought in. Deli sandwiches as big as your head with potato salad and pickles. I need to figure out how to just say no to the food and eat just the food I bring. I need to start snacking on fruit instead of french fries. It may still be a lot of calories, but not as many as french fries would be, and less fat and salt and more fiber. BEING AN OVER EATER SUCKS!!! I HAVE NO CONTROL.

Sleep

I am having trouble sleeping again. I have been up since 3:30 a.m.. I kept waking up trying to figure out how to decorate the card box for the gift table. I figured while I was up I may as well download google Earth. Why not right? I want to see my house from space. Anyway. I went to a Nephrologist (kidney Dr.) a couple days ago. I am having blood pressure issues. We (my internist and I) can't seem to keep it down. So she told me to go see the nephrologist. I went. I sat in the waiting room for an hour and fifteen minutes and then another 15 minutes in the back office. Finally the Doctor came. He asked me about a million questions. He asked about my childhood diseases, when I first had an asthma attack, how much did I weigh at the time, when did I start putting on all my weight. He asked about my personal relationship history. My family history. When did I start getting up at 3:30 in the morning to pee. He has the most thorough medical history on me. After peeing in a cup, stepping on two different weight scales, and getting "looked at", and taking some written tests, I walked out of the office at about 1 p.m. My appointment was at 10 am, and I got there 15 minutes early for paperwork that they had sent to me ahead of time and I already had filled out. I walked out of the office with some advice to find a good psychologist. He deemed that my issues weren't my weight or my blood pressure. But something much deeper in my psyche. He said that I had very strong symptoms of suffering from ADHD, and I could possibly be bi-polar as well. He said that a lot of people who suffer from these two things tend to self medicate by abusing things. Things like drugs, alcohol, spending sprees, and over eating. The written tests that I mentioned earlier were to determine if I had any of the classic symptoms. He feels that if we treat my ADHD, the rest of my life will start falling into place, and I won't need to medicate or cope by eating. It was such a relief to hear this. I had suspected all along that I had ADHD. My mom calls me her ADD kid. But I never mentioned it to any of my Doctors, and it wasn't until I went to a kidney doctor who just asked a million questions, that my feelings and thoughts were confirmed. I feel very hopeful finally that things might become normal for me. When I get the help I need, life might not be so difficult. I might finally be able to do more than one thing at any time and be able to be in a room with a TV on and still pay attention to what is going on around me. I won't hyperfocus any more, and I won't get so frustrated and angry when more than one problem presents itself at the same time. I might actually sleep again without a billion thoughts racing around in my head at all times. And I might, just might, finally be able to enjoy life. I could take joy in planning my wedding instead of feeling so overwhelmed with it. My future sure seems bright.

Church

So, Norman and I went to church on Sunday. This is one of the ways I am attempting to get back in touch with God and myself. We went to Calvary Chapel Mid-Valley. I cut my protestant teeth so to speak at a Calvary Chapel church. Now it's been about 8 years since I have been in one, and I kind of forgot what to expect. The congregation was very small, probably about 40-50 people, the worship was pretty good, we knew most of the songs. The teachings were very much from scripture. Most everything the pastor said he backed up with a scripture verse. Great you say? Well, yes it can be, but when he backs EVERY SINGLE WORD he says with scripture that can lead to a very LONG service. He talked on three verses for an hour. I have an attention span that lasts about 20 minutes. After that time I am trying to figure out where we are going for lunch and starting to write sarcastic notes to Norm. Back to the three verses. They were 1 John 2:15-17. The "Do Not Love the World" part. Great! Perfect! I am obviously focusing my attentions and engeries on things of this world. The problem was I was having a hard time focusing my attentions and energies on the lengthy speech. The service which started at 11:00am didn't let out till 12:45. Now here is the kicker. The pastor asked the congregation to join him on a "media fast" for one week. That would consist of no TV (check... Don't watch it anyway) no movies (check... They are too expensive to go to, and my DVD player and VCR don't work anymore) no radio (hmm Not so check... I would have a hard time with that one since my co-worker and I listen to the radio all day at work and I don't think my co worker would appreciate the lack of the radio for a week) no internet (sorry absolutely not. I get my news from the internet, and with all that is going on in the world today, there is no way I would feel comfortable being out of the loop for a full week) I decided that the "Media Fast" was just not for me. I understand the principle of it. No worldly distractions to take me away from the focus of God. That is something that would be good, but a full week seems a little overkill. I am in the process of trying to work out a weekend like that where I can go away. No TV, No internet, No radio. Just me and a few good books to help guide me through a time of self reflection. Got any suggestions on good books to help you connect with God and yourself at the same time? I am currently reading "The Way of the Heart" by Henri J. M. Nouwen, and I will soon start reading "The Human Condition" by Thomas Keating. I think I am in for quite a journey with these books. I am apprehensive and anxious all at the same time. Crazy. Anyway. It is so late and I need to sleep. I have a long day of Doctors visits ahead of me. If your out there and reading this. Please pray for me. You probably know better what to pray for me than I do myself.
I have to give props to my friend Emily. She just had a baby boy about a month ago, and I have been kind of talking to her about some of my issues. I told her about crying from jealousy when I found out my best friend was pregnant, and she said something that stopped me in my tracks and gave me a fleeting feeling of peace. I knew that if I could do what she suggested to me, I would be truly living life as God had planned it. She told me to stop looking ahead to the things I want. By doing that I am missing the amazing times I am having now. All things will come in their time. And this time is wedding planning. If I keep looking ahead, one day I will look back and wondered how I missed it all. I know it's all very cliche, but you know sometimes, you need Mrs. Obvious to come and smack you upside the head with a Duh statement. I had such a better day because of it. Anyway, this time I really mean it. I am off to bed for reals this time.